Breaking: AOL News Comments Not Posted by Sentient Beings, Vertebrates

Mama always said life is like a box o’ choc-o-lates; no matter how carefully you pick, you’re bound to pull up some inedible crap with coconut flakes and cherry liqueur every now and then. Some perhaps more useful advice I got was never read the comments posted on news stories online, because they are full of Internet Tough Guys and also douchebags of the highest caliber.

Oh, you know I’m right. Have you ever sat down and picked through the comments on your average AOL News article? Most of them make me doubt that the posters have completed third grade, judging by the abysmal spelling and grammar and their flagrant disregard for the English language and/or the shift key (or the 1/16th of an inch it takes to turn the Caps Lock key off; it works both ways).

Even the most innocent of stories are not safe from this madness. For example, here’s a cute piece about how Obama and Helen Thomas share a birthday, so he brought her cupcakes in the briefing room. Nothing bad can be made out of that, right?

O, but follow, gentle reader.

This from welcome Annie, who thankfully is not spewing bile like it’s going out of style (which it did in 1972, by the way), but needs to learn what the little blinking ‘A’ light on her keyboard means:

hAPPY bIRTHDAY mR. pRESIDENT oBAMA AND MANY HEALTHY AND ENJOYABLE ONES WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVES LIFE,PEACE AND HAPPINESS.wE ARE THANKFUL THAT THE MISERABLE HATERS HEART WILL CHANGE OR THEY USE THEIR VISA AND MOVE TO iRAN OR ALASKA.i DON’T THINK THEY WILL BE MISSED AND IA M SURE OUR EDUCATION AND SOCIAL STATUS WILL IMPROVE WITH BETTER JOBS AND DISAGREEING WITH DIGNITY OR A LIGHT BEER OR TEA.bLESS OUR cOUNTRY AND pRESIDENT AND ALL THAT ARE HELPING MAKE CHANGES IN OUR WORLD.

Aaah, the ol’ fire and brimstone from one Jim ahoy!:

Just you wait until Obama gets finished with Amerika. Forty lashes will seem like easy punishment for most. Our time is coming. And for you Obama enablers, hell awaits.

Scaaaary. Nice alternative spelling of ‘America’, too. Are you sure you don’t mean TEH UNUNITED STAETS UF AMERIKKKASTAN? Something bashing Helen Thomas from uswarrior1111 (and with a username like uswarrior1111, it’s got to be nuts):

Does Helen Thomas know where she is?

She is so senile she doesn’t know who she is slobbering over.

As far as the socialist’s bithday goes, they are having a holiday in Kenya.

Rude. What did Helen Thomas ever do to you? I’ve met her; she’s sweet. Also, I keep laughing when people call Obama a ‘socialist’. I do not think that word means what you think it means. Something from clematisvine, proving the importance of that 1/16th of an inch that enables you to turn off your bloody caps lock:

CUPCAKES – WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CARE ABOUT SUCH AN ASSININE STORY.
OBAMA WILL DESTROY AMERICA UNLESS AMERICANS REMAIN ALERT AND VIGILANT. WE MUST ALSO TELL OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS THAT WE WILL NOT VOTE FOR THEM IN ANY UPCOMING ELECTIONS IF THEY VOTE IN A WAY THAT DESTROYS OUR FREEDOMS OR TAKE FREEDOM OF CHOICE AWAY FOR US. OUR SERVICEMEN AND WOMEN HAVE NOT DIED AND FOUGHT, AND CONTINUE TO DO SO, TO HAVE FREEDOMS TAKEN AWAY.

Cruise Control for Cool, all right. Now for a short break from the insanity, bobbensonjr has something to say:

It is everyone’s right to disagree not to disrespect

Too true, mate, too true. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming from XXX123 (the mark of quality!):

VIA VA CHE OBAMA AGAINST THE EVIL FASCIST,NAZI WEALTHY ,RACIST USA Castro tears are rolling down his eyes as he see his protege ,make and shape the USA INTO Cuba STYLE government

…waiter, I asked for Caesar salad – you brought word. Ajb1943 has this to offer:

Helen Thomas, the witch from the Wizard of Oz is about as nutty as obozo. Very appropriate that these two losers would hang out together.

Name-calling is uncalled for. Also, Obozo…I see what you did thar. Except it might be funny to a three-year-old or someone with a similarly sophisticated sense of humor. This next post from jo proves Sir Terry Pratchett’s great wisdom (to follow):

BET THEY ARE CELEBRATING ODUMBOS BIRTHDAY IN KENYA, SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE HOME TOWN BOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOPE HE CHOKES ON THE CAKE !!!!!!!!

That cardinal wisdom of Sir Terry’s being, ‘And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.’ kent05r has yet another word salad for us to enjoy:

Healt Care Reform, lower the standard is the answer, DO NOT ADD 32 new goverment offices of neglect, put the money invested in the people as we did the banks. Lower the limit of health care INCOME to 75k anyone below is covered and anyone above pays for health care. simply and easy. Does anyone really care. Not. Obamass and the 32 Czars want BIG GOVERMENT not what is best for the people. Do not be FOOLED by the OBAMASS SOCAIlIST,COMMUNIST PLAN IT SUCKS as BAD AS HE DOES. NO, NO NO.

Did they try to make you go to rehab at the end there?

Aaah, I admit, I did my share in baiting the poor maroons. (All the sarcastic comments by ‘Alex’ – that’s all me; glad it didn’t put up my AIM account instead, I don’t need cyberharassment…no more so than I deal with on a daily basis, anyway.) And this is mild stuff. The crazy shit hasn’t even shown up yet.

This post may seem childish, but I’m sorry, I cannot let this wholesale abuse of logic and English continue any further. I have to say something, dammit. Otherwise, they win, and this hat cannot have that.

~ by Alex Villanueva on August 4, 2009.

One Response to “Breaking: AOL News Comments Not Posted by Sentient Beings, Vertebrates”

  1. I think everyone is missing the truly important point here, and that is that Helen Thomas “told [Obama] her birthday wishes were ‘world peace and a real health care reform bill.’”

    Come on, Ms. Thomas. This is elementary stuff. Everyone knows your birthday wishes don’t come true if you tell them to other people!

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